Navigating Friendship in Midlife

How I'm cultivating more meaningful friendships

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately.

There are two ways I’ve been thinking about it: from the perspective of wanting to solidify and nurture my friendships as I get older…

…and from the perspective of wanting to think through the friendships that I have and make sure they are friendships that I actually want to continue to foster.

The latter is something my friend deemed The Friendship Audit, which is a term I will now be using all the time.

So let’s start with the first one. Why, at 43 years old, am I determined to prioritize nurturing my friendships?

To be blunt, I don’t want to be lonely when I’m old.

And while that might sound pretty self-serving, it is a very real fear that I have.

Starting with the fact that statistically women live longer than men (I’m in a female/male partnership), then adding the knowledge that I won’t have children or grandchildren visiting me, I’m left with a deep, deep fear that I will not just be alone, but lonely, in my late life.

The more I think about that, the more I realize that the friendships that I cultivate now will be an integral part of the joy and fulfillment that I experience in the third act.

And it’s not just about my own worry of loneliness, but I also think about how much research shows that friendships help keep us vibrant and active and sharp as we age. Who doesn’t want that?!

I read in this Los Angeles Daily News article that “according to research from Northwestern University, friendships could slow decline in memory and cognitive functioning. In one study, researchers asked 31 SuperAgers and 19 cognitively “normal” older adults to fill out a questionnaire about their psychological well-being. (SuperAgers are men and women over age 80 with the mental faculties of people decades younger.)

Compared to the cognitively “normal” adults, the SuperAgers stood out in one area: The degree to which they reported having satisfying, warm, trusting relationships.”

And in this piece from Fortune Magazine I learned that “about one in four seniors over age 65 is socially isolated, which increases the risk for heart disease and early mortality. Isolation is also associated with a 50% increased risk for dementia.

A recent study found that satisfying relationships lowered women’s risk for multiple chronic conditions, and that the more satisfying relationships became, the lower their risk. As loneliness affects seniors more drastically—those who are living alone, grieving, or going through major life changes—it becomes imperative to prioritize friendships through adulthood.”

And while we may have all read stats like this over the years, and we know we should nurture our friendships, it is clear how few of us actually do that.

I think that’s because friendships are relationships we choose and for whatever reason don’t feel that they can ever be prioritized over the spouse, the kids, or the parents.

This idea was solidified for me when I read this a piece in the Atlantic called How Friendships Change Over Time in Adulthood which said, “Friendships are unique relationships because…unlike other voluntary bonds, such as marriages and romantic relationships, they lack a formal structure. You wouldn’t go months without speaking with or seeing your significant other (hopefully), but you might go that long without contacting a friend.”

Yeah, that’s completely accurate.

We “feel bad” to miss the soccer game or the school play or the date night or the family dinners. And so time with friends gets squeezed into calendars with time slots. “Lunch with so-and-so 1pm-3pm”.

In comparison to when we were younger with minimal responsibilities and time spent together was more fun and more regular and just easier all around.

I’m not saying I don’t get it. I’m just saying I want to change it, for me.

I want to prioritize my friendships the same way I prioritize my partnership and my family and I want to spend time with friends who do the same.

So I guess that leads me into the second part of this: The Friendship Audit.

This is when we start to realize that life isn’t all that long and we assess and audit the friendships we have with the goal of eliminating those that simply don’t feel good.

While conducting my friendship audit, I noticed some things.

There are friends in my life who I would never hear from if I didn’t put in the effort.

There are friends in my life with whom I have almost nothing in common.

There are friends in my life who always want to share about themselves but have practically no idea what’s happening in my life, because they never ask. And when I do try to share, it is clear they are simply waiting for their turn to speak again.

Now, to be clear, I also have amazing, thoughtful, wonderful friends for whom none of the above is true.

What I’m realizing is that giving time to the former takes away from giving more time to the later. So it’s time to act on the results of my audit.

Step 1: end the friendships that are no longer working for me.

I realize this isn’t going to be easy. I don’t want to be a cruel person. So I need to figure out ways to distance myself without hurting people.

The people I never hear from will be easy, for obvious reasons. I will just stop reaching out to them. OK, done.

For the people I have nothing in common with, I think I will approach it by not giving a reason for declining invitations. Meaning, when they reach out, I will simply say: I’m sorry, I can’t make it.

Rather than: Oh, I wish I could but I have something going on that night. Raincheck!

The hope is that if I do that enough, they’ll get it.

I know how cowardly this sounds. 😆

If I was a more evolved person I’d probably say something about how I am prioritizing time with a small group of very close friends and while I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, I don’t have the capacity for more right now.

It’s not you, it’s me.

And then for the last group I plan to have a ready-response to their constant focus on themselves.

Something like: I’m happy to be here for you to talk through this and I also need support with something I’m going through. Can we make sure that we both get time to share?

Then see how that goes. If it doesn’t change anything, I’ll resort to my “Sorry, I can’t make it” approach.

The last part of step one is to make sure that I’m clear on what I am looking for in friendships…

People who bring me joy, engage in conversation, who I learn from, who I laugh with.

People who reciprocate. It’s hurtful when you are the one putting in all the effort. Whether they never initiate plans or whether they never ask how you’re doing and truly listen to the answer, these are terrible traits in a “friend”.

In that same Atlantic article I read this great summary,

“I’ve listened to someone as young as 14 and someone as old as 100 talk about their close friends, and [there are] three expectations of a close friend that I hear people describing and valuing across the entire life course… somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy.”

Exactly.

Step 2: deepen my relationships with the wonderful friends that I do have

This one might actually be harder to do than step one because life is so very busy for most people.

Simply spending more time together isn’t necessarily possible. So instead, there are two areas that I think I’ll focus on:

• improving the time we do spend together

• communicating in a variety of ways

By “improving” I simply mean that I would like to find ways to do more than “catch up”.

Something I’ve been thinking about in general is having more “play” in my life. So why not think that way when making plans with friends as a way of deepening our experiences together.

Because according to the Atlantic, “Just catching up can feel stale. Playing and wasting time together like kids do are how you make memories.”

Here’s an example. I read about a Wednesday night live figure drawing class that takes place monthly in my neighborhood. I’m not much of a sketch artist but who cares. That feels so much more fun to me than “grabbing a drink to catch up”.

I recently spent a late afternoon into evening with two of my best friends cooking. We planned a meal and grocery shopped beforehand and then had the best time chopping, mixing, and plating up our creations.

We were incredibly proud of ourselves considering the bean salad didn’t even require any cooking. LOL.

The point is, I’m determined to do more things like this with friends as a way of deepening our experiences together and by extension, deepening the friendship as a whole.

The other part of this step is to communicate with my friends in a variety of ways.

When I think about my very best friends, who by the way, I met when I was 38, something that stands out to me is that we listen to each other’s voices every single day. And while it didn’t start as every single day, it was always communication that was heavily weighted with voice messages over text messages.

I’m not saying I have the capacity or interest in communicating with all of my friends every single day, what I am saying is that the combination of sending voice notes, text messages, GIFs and memes, and seeing each other in person has created a closeness that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

So I will try to embrace more varied communication with my friends in order to avoid only connecting when we’re making plans to “catch up”.

I don’t want to be reluctant to put in the work to nurture and maintain the friendships that I care about.

If my efforts are not well received, then it probably means that we are not right for each other.

It’s you, not me.

I think if a friendship is going to thrive and become one that sticks around into old age, both people need to be dedicated to it and willing to communicate on regular basis.

And while I understand that not every friendship we have will be profound, or even needs to be, when we all are “so busy” and we have limited time to dedicate to things outside of our home and family, it’s in our best interest to zero in on those that have the potential to be.

I started this post talking about my fear of being alone, of loneliness, in my old age. And now that I’ve done some research, processed my thoughts, and written this, I’m feeling hopeful that I can continue to cultivate meaningful friendships. That it won’t be as difficult as I may have thought.

In that spirit I’ll finish this with two quotes from Psychology Today that make me smile…

“I think the biggest thing that I’ve learned about midlife is that the more you talk to other women, the better you feel…and, sure, you might spend a lot of time complaining to one another about some of the more negative aspects of midlife. But there’s something to be said for how good it feels to know that you’re not alone….”

“I think that’s the gift of midlife for women: if you have cultivated and nurtured your relationships with other women, you are never alone.”

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