Here's What I Know

...and don't know

I have been talking about, thinking about, “working on” launching “a platform for women 40+” for almost a year now. And I haven’t done it.

I want to say that I don’t know why I haven’t done it, but I know why.

Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I want to launch it. And I don’t know what it’s supposed to do for people.

I actually had 10 posts written on this Substack and I turned them back to drafts because they felt forced and dumb and a waste of time for anyone reading them.

Truly, I spent months combing through all kinds of advice from Substack masters who have figured out how to launch successful businesses through their writing using this platform.

Like a good student I took notes and made plans and worked on strategies.

Writing has always been my chosen form of communication. I love writing. But I’m also self conscious about it because— surprise — I keep telling myself I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m not a real writer.

I just write. (Don’t worry, I know, I annoy myself with this shit.)

Here’s what else I know…

• Something is different and I’m trying to figure out my life at 43.

• I have a business I no longer care about.

• I was not able to have to children though I really wanted them and this has changed my outlook on what my life can and will and should be.

• I grieve the loss of motherhood every single day.

• I feel bored living where I live but also feel pulled to stay connected to my family and friends because, you know, we’re all getting older and are going to die and blah blah blah.

• I want to have better hobbies. I read non-stop and take occasional art classes but I haven’t found the thing that gets me really excited.

• I simultaneously want to have a big impact on the world and don’t feel like leaving my house.

• I feel financially secure but also fearful that I won’t have enough when I’m 75.

• I’m terrified that I lost the drive that helped me launch a multiple six figure business and so I’m destined to do absolutely nothing of importance for the next 50 years.

• I’m now in peri-menopause and my body is doing things I really wish it wouldn’t.

• I want to launch a new business but I have zero drive to do it.

• Some of my friends aren’t really my friends, as in I would never hear from them if I didn’t make the effort.

• I’m tired but I’m not sure why.

• I’m confident but also terrified of not knowing enough.

• I’m scared of being alone when I’m old.

• I don’t want to live an ordinary life but I also want things that are super ordinary and make me boring.

• Any time I drink alcohol (which admittedly isn’t often) I feel guilty the next day wondering if I insulted anyone or talked too much but I’m not interested in stopping drinking.

• I want something to happen but I can’t figure out what it is I want.

• I feel angry, sad, worried, bored, happy, content, and restless at some point in almost every day.

If any of this makes any sense to you at all, please say hi.

I don’t know what I’m doing on here yet. So I guess right now I will just write. See what comes out.

If you want to follow along, maybe we can figure this shit out together.